hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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