There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I didn't notice because vodka
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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