I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
