I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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