Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
