I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
