i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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