Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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