I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I take back everything I said about communal showers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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