I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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