Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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