apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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