I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
