im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
