I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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