i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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