Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
