you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
