My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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