i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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