Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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