Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there was a trapeze. enough said
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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