Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
