alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We have started to decorate penises.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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