just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
