I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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