I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
