Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
