So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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