i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
