i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
