im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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