dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
