i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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