It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
