i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
