the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
