I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
