Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
