you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
