Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
