you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
