i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Let's get the cat blown out
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize