I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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