Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
