just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
