mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
