nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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