i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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