my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
