Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
