Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
