I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
