Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
