I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
