theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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