I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
