Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
how do you play pong handcuffed?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
