I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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