I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
