his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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