Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
