I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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