I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
